reflections

Just sitting here during what is supposed to be my planned lunch break (working today) and I looked up and noticed the calendar needed to be switched over to January. (Yes, a week late) Maybe it was unconsciously intentional----for as I pinned it back up and stepped back my eyes zeroed in on the number 16. Every year it is like this big enormous monster waiting for me. Once I'm past it I'm ok. It's just the dread leading up to that date that overwhelms me. 5 years.

Depression is something I've battled off and on since my teen years. When I feel it encroaching at the edges I try to fight it off: sometimes successfully and sometimes not. So it being early January again I can feel the darkness. I hate the darkness - it is such a feeling of nothingness. So I started thinking on discussions I've had with my counselor. One of his favorite bible verses I had qouted in my email sig for awhile "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Sometimes I need just those little tidbits to hang onto. Another verse came to memory, "He is the light of the world". I started reflecting on lights: candles - Jesus, my family, my special friends - and how I have to stay close to my best light sources when my own is flickering and weak. That is what I'll attempt to do over the next week until the 16th passes.